Only love can hurt like this
by lauraspillow
Summary: (( It was unexpected, this craving. It came unannounced, and even she found herself questioning how she had let herself come to this. She was falling for her. She was falling for Laura, and she couldn't forgive herself )) Carmilla/Laura. One shot & slight AU. Based on Carmilla the web series.


**Rated: ****T**

**Genre: ****Hurt/Comfort**

**Characters: ****Laura/Carmilla**

**Words: ****1280 approx.**

**Author's Note: ****This story contains a sexy female vampire, a girl who eats way too many cookies, and lesbian romance. Read at your own discretion. Also, I don't own any of these characters, but if I did…mwahaha.**

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**"Only love can hurt like this"**

It was unexpected, this craving. It came unannounced, and even she found herself questioning how she had let herself come to this.

Seventy-three years ago. That's how long ago it was when she swore she would never give in to her emotions again, those crippling, hurtful imperfections only humans were stupid enough to be governed by. They called it 'love', but that's not what it was. Carmilla Carnstein new better. She had seen the devastation this love had caused her, ripping her up from the inside, destroying her picture perfect world from the ground up.

She was only a little girl.

Her mother was kind and welcoming. She taught her how to live, taught her to embrace a new way to be. Being a creature of the night was never something she had envisioned herself as, but nonetheless, that was the fate that she had been dealt. Leaving behind her humanity was hard. At first, she felt like she was living somebody else's life. She was a chameleon, camouflaged by an outward appearance that never betrayed her true nature. Inside, she was weak. She, the reluctant vampire who her mother had to arrange 'meetings' for in order for her to stay alive. She, who couldn't bear to see the look of terror on each girl's face as they slowly discovered what she truly was. The _beast_ she had become. Her mother had masked her callousness well, disguised it under the veil of parties and summer sleepovers with 'friends'. And Carmilla, young, innocent and impressionable, had swallowed up every lie her mother fed to her, until the day she finally awoke from her blissful slumber and cut the drip feed.

Silas filled her nostrils with an air of nostalgia. She could sense it, that something big was going to happen here. And in that moment, she had the choice to turn back and avoid it.

But she chose not to.

She chose not to because she was falling for her. She was falling for Laura, and she couldn't forgive herself.

"Never fall for the victim. Distance, Carmilla. Never fall for the victim..."

She gazed at her sleeping figure, curled up under the covers and with her head resting on that ridiculously warm, sunflower yellow pillow she coveted so much. Longing filled her heart, and she tore her darkening eyes away in desparation, pleading with herself not to step an inch closer. The urge was becoming too strong. She could sense how, Laura, with her kind, forgiving nature, was softening around her, letting her in. Little by little. And she was taking it, without an ounce of guilt.

Shamelessly.

How she _wanted_ to let herself give in, to be free and express the well of trapped emotions inside her, to let herself taste this love again. It crushed her, saying no each time, whenever she'd watch Laura silently as she studied for a lit midterm, or even doing something as mundane as eating cookies…how badly she _wanted._ Just to envelope her arms around her, to lean in to her and whisper how beautiful she was. How she just wanted to feel the beat of Laura's heart, warm and _alive_, nervously beating against her own trapped soul...how she wondered what it would feel like to taste her lips, surrender herself completely and fall into a world of happiness and freedom and passion and reckless abandon.

But she knew, deep down, that they could never be.

The sweet and delicate torture of this reality plagued her. But she could see it reflected back at her through Laura's eyes, no matter how she tried to avoid it.

Such _innocence._

Such _trust. _

Such…

She would never dare to corrupt it.

From the moment she laid eyes on the girl, she knew that feeling this way for her could only end in disaster, just as it had so many years ago. But that that feeling she had so methodically tried to destroy was coming back, and it was _growing_, its wicked tendrils unfurling like blood starved veins.

Blood.

That was all she really wanted, wasn't it? She was a creature of the night, a thing that people _feared._A monster. Laura would never be her 'Belle', no matter how hard she wished for it. She had to nip it in the bud. She had to protect herself and keep innocent girls like Laura away from her mother's heartless schemes.

She had to.

Coming to Silas had been a mistake, but it was one that could still be rectified. She would leave to-night, before anyone noticed she was gone.

She would prove her mother _wrong._Her dependence on a crimson liquid would not keep her pressing that red button, like some rat in a scientist's cage.

Quietly, she gathered her few belongings, and made her bed. She willed herself not to look at the girl on the opposite side of the room, in case she weakened her resolve.

The door seemed miles away, but her eyes never faltered from her target. On she walked until her hand was turning the doorknob, emitting the tiniest of creaks, her new life just millimetres, _seconds_away from her…

…but nothing could have prepared her for the shock of warm fingers gripping her wrist and forcing her to swivel around, until she was face to face with fate.

"Carm...please don't leave."

Torture. This was _torture_, the premeditated kind. Or perhaps, some kind of payback for all the sins she had committed in her life. A cruel trick designed to tempt her back into a life of regret.

But fortunately, it was one that she was going to refuse.

Slapping away Laura's hand, she wordlessly turned back around and fumbled with the doorknob. She wasn't going to lose this battle, not when she knew the consequences for doing so.

Cold she would be. That, at least, was something she could live with. Having Laura hate her for leaving without a proper explanation was better than being responsible for any suffering that might have come to her otherwise.

She was a monster! Did she honestly _expect _that by coming here, and by choosing to ignore the urges that screamed at her on a daily basis, that she could somehow change? That a human could actually _love _her despite everything that she was? That love could somehow have enough power to conquer their differences, thwart her mother's plan, and give her the life she had always wanted?

No. Weathered by experience, she was not gullible enough to believe an _ounce _of that sap.

So when she felt Laura grasp her face with sudden desperation, she did not expect it. Nor her outburst of uncontrolled emotion, for now her lips were pressing into her own, moving softly without permission, spreading warmth and love into each undeserving cell they touched, reducing her to a pile of rubble, and _ruining _her.

"Stay."

The girl whispered, caressing her cheeks tenderly, and in the darkness, nobody could see how Carmilla's heart swelled at the touch, reciprocation she had been hoping and craving for all along, but never dreamed would be a reality.

It felt wondrous.

It felt magical.

It felt _wrong_, on so many levels, but she just didn't want it to _stop._

Nobody except Laura had seen beyond her beastly façade.

It had been seventy-three years without love. Seventy-three _years_ without feeling the _terror_ of being so utterly devoted to another person that _anything_ bad that might happen to them _could_ and would most definitely break her. She had forgotten this feeling. But as she tentatively returned the kiss, she began to remember.

And she would do it all again, risks be damned.

**End.**


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